When you decide to share your life with another person you embark on a journey...a journey that might not have a final destination and no specific route...and certainly no guide telling you what to do and not to. It is a question of trust, devotion, loyalty, love and guts. The choice of companion can be based on many things...or maybe it was never an active choice at all...just one thing leading to another...time invested...getting comfortable...the need to belong?
In my life it was a case of physical attraction but not passion, of being friends but not soulmates, of getting along but not getting inspired, of opposites attracts, of being in charge and of not wanting to admit that I wanted more. We met young, I was 21 and he was two years older. When I explain the diffrence between us I always refer to high school. Imagine the straight A-student from the right side of town meeting the notorious bad boy who flunked most things and played hooky most of the time. That was pretty much us. I liked his looks, his body and I also liked that behind the bad boy look was a very kind man. I think he liked my brain and my ability to take charge and I hope he thought I was pretty...not beautiful but pretty...I am that kind of girl. Looking back I can see that we fairly early on developed a sort of mother-child relationship. And if I had been honest to myself we would had said goodbye before we even decided to have children. But life is strange...sometimes things just happen if we don't make active choices. One day adds to another and pretty soon you have lived half of your life together with someone. Someone you think you know...
I thought I knew him but it the end it seems like I did not know him at all. We had our ups and downs over the years, nothing unusal about that. Then in 2004 I had an emergency back surgery and he was there for me. He did everything. I recovered very well and was happy. But our realtionship had suffered. I was unhappy because we never talked. He was unhappy because we never were intimate. I asked him every day at dinner how his day was. He never asked me. The only things he spoke to me about was people at his work and gambling. We argued more and more. In the autumn of 2004 I asked him several times if he thought it was a good idea to go to couples councelling. He always said no and his opinion was that we should work it through ourselves. Around Christmas he was cold as ice and treated me like I was infectious. If one has not been in that situation I don't think one can realise how that breaks you down, makes you nervous and deep inside you know...you know...
New Years Eve of 2004 - a night I will never forget. He worked night and came home at 9.30 pm. The kids and I had dressed up and I had prepared a late supé. I had tried to make myself look good even though we were not going anywhere. My daughter and I had fixed our hair and we all felt happy. He came in through the door and gave me a stare that is engraved in my mind. It was a look of disgust and it crushed me. I still cry when I think about that moment. On New Years Day we talked and decided to get help and a few weeks later on the evening before our first visit to the marriage counceler I asked him if he had had sex with someone else. It was more of a joke...as we at that particular moment talked to eachother in a good spirit. He said yes. Then nothing. No excuse. Nothing. And from that moment on I learned that I did not know him and not even myself.
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Betrayal?? ... hmmm indeed!!
ReplyDelete"In my case it was a case of physical attraction but not passion, of being friends but not soulmates, of getting along but not getting inspired, of opposites attracts, of being in charge and of not wanting to admit that I wanted more."
Sounds like the first step towards this duplicity was when u betrayed urself in settling for 'mediocrity' ... knowing right from the start that u were compromising ur standards ... ur dreams ... the very needs and desires of that most private inner YOU!! But hey! .. if u think your alone on this one Ms Mom perhaps it would be wise to think again as most of us are guilty of it in some shape or form ... *smile* ...and now that i think of it, if i am to be completely honest with myself, not only have i been guilty of these compromises in the past, but recognise that same common thread running through the 'sleeves' of many of my friends. So allow us to put our collective arms around u and give you a *hug full of self forgiveness*.
"And if I had been honest to myself we would had said goodbye before we even decided to have children."
But nothing is ever so clear cut, as u point out ... and 'compromise' after all, is what life is all about -- is it not?? Everyone's lives are an ever changing shade of grey! Out of the dark palette u may have chosen in the beginning came two wonderful splashes of pure white!! Now take yourself back and say you made a mistake? *smile*
Perhaps it is the time to add some bright colours to that canvas Ms Mom .. *wink*
I know I settled for less than I actually wanted...I was 21...I did not even know what I wanted. And that is what I was trying to say, that when you meet young and days adds to weeks, and weeks to months, and months to years...and before you know it you have yourself a serious relationship.
ReplyDeleteI do want you to know one thing...those 17 years was not all bad...and I did love him...hell I loved him enough to stay faithful for all that time. And he was(is???) a good man, kind, caring and with very little prestige. But he had one flaw from the start and that was the tendency to lie whenever things got difficult. The mom- child things played a part here also. I am a big sister, moved out when i was 16 and have always been a very responsible person. He lived at home when we met and he is the baby in the family with 2 older brother 10 and 12 years older than me. He has never in his life had to face the consequences of his own actions...alwyas some excuse...and always someone williing to buy the excuse. Until he met me...
"I know I settled for less than I actually wanted."
ReplyDeleteBut look, you have two wonderfully good looking children!! How do they behave? How are their personalities developing? How do they cope without Dad being around often? Do they see there other set of Grandparents much?