Bad money - bad sex

Today I realised something...my salary is like really bad sex. Deposites are made but then withdrawn much too soon. And I am left feeling unsatisfied...

My wish for the future

There is one thing I wish for more than anything else and that is that my children, when they are all grown, will think I did a good job being a mom. If I succeed at that then I am content.

Hopefully I will make it if I can be half as good as my parents have been and are to me. They have always been there for me and I am not sure I would have handled my "divorce" + being left to be the sole parent for my kids so well had I not had their support and help. I just got a call from my dad and he said he will come here and pick the kids up on Friday. In his own words: "You will probably have a lot of stuff to do preparing for your party on Saturday." So, not only will they be caring for my kids all weekend - they will also save me a one hour drive each way. And they best help is always the help you don't have to ask for.

I have thought about writing them a letter telling them how much they mean to me and what I really think of them. This has been in my head for a while...now i just have to make sure I do it. And I will...In the prescence of all my readers...LOL...I herenow promise to write that letter before the end of April. Just do it Anneli!

Reasons to leave Sweden

1. Teachers have a lousy or even a ridicilous salary.
2. The dark
3. Snow the 23rd of March ...need I say more?
4. High taxes
5. Veggies and fruit taste nothing 75% of the year = when imported

Give me a job and I am outta here!

Maybe I am a man...!

Sometimes I feel it must be a mistake that I am a woman. I don't like any of the chores at home...find no pride in being a "good housewife". And I pretty much suck at most of the things housewifes should be good at: ironing, cleaning, gardening and sewing. It bores the hell out of me and I just wish I had enough money to hire a maid. When I was on maternityl eave with my kids I got bored...love them dearly...but I got bored. I need to work. Love my work, so it is not about being lazy.

Another indication that I might be a man is that I whine a lot when I got a cold. I got sick Monday this week, been complaining a lot. Poor me, poor kids and poor boyfriend. :(

But - I don't want to switch. I want to have boobs, wear womens clothing, use lingerie, not have to bother about technical stuff and have the perrogative to change my mind whenever I feel like it. ;)

Silent people

I have already admit it - I have a problem with people who never say anything. Quiet people makes me ...nervous and/or bored and/or irritated. Why?!?

Maybe because they master a skill that I have never been close to excelling at i.e. to shut my mouth. I know I need to be better at listening and I am no dummie so I do get that in order to listen more I need to zip it. So far no luck in that area. Need I lose my teeth to shut up? Hopefully not...

What I do find...and this I am ashamed of...is that I can listen to people I think are intelligent and who can teach me something. Or just have interesting thoughts and a beautiful way of using the language. And a nice voice. If I think that people are wrong, stupid, have a hard time expressing themselves or speaks with an irritating voice I stop listening or even worse...I interrupt. Sighs! :(

At times of conflict I really cannot take people who are quiet. The reason for this I think has to do with my background. I was raised in a family where us kids knew something was wrong between mom and dad not when we heard a heated argument but when we could cut the tension in the house with a knife. They never screamed at eachother and some may say that it is a good thing...I beg to differ. When kids are exposed to tension and never understand the source of it as it is unspoken they have a tendency to blame themselves. I did. My sister did. And my brother did. We have never talked about it. I just know it. So, any man who get close enough to me knows that I dont handle silence well. I can get very aggressive verbally and almost pick a fight even if there is nothing to fight about really. Silence and a "leave me alone" can turn me into a complete bitch. ( Thank God this is not a dating site!)

And about listening...are all quiet people good listeners? I don't think so. Some people close down, no output and no input. I pity them.

The man who sings me to sleep...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HI8Ii5pbx5o&feature=related

Love his voice, his lyrics and his neurotic mentality...a soulmate?
I bet he hates people who are too damn positive too ...ha,ha,ha!

another love...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuQVP6jR5kI&feature=channel

Once upon a time there was a band called The Motorhomes. I loved them...but they never got the credit they deserved and finally disappeared. Now the singer is back...and he is SO good. Music as I love it: lots of emotions, nerves, "naked music" and a voice that speaks to my soul. Enjoy!

4 of my biggest loves

My daughter, my son, summer and a beautiful sunset...I don't need much more than that to be happy. :)

In my dreams tonight

Nothing lasts forever...

the snow will be gone soon.

And this is what is ahead of us...*smiles*...

To know a person - part 3

In my opinion one of the most important thing you ever do as a human being is trying to find out who you are and how you function. It is a never ending task but to me it is the essence of being spiritiual or as some like to call it, religious. I have searched for my inner peace for many years, sometimes I think I have it but so far I have only scratched the surface. But a few situations in life has brought me closer to the core of my soul and showed me the diversity of what is really me.

People who does not know me very well usually refer to me as being a calm, positive and confident person. I am always so surprised to hear that because I often feel so nervous, negative and insecure. But I cannot say that it is a facade, at least not a facade that I intentionally have built. I can be confident about myself and about my work, but I also have a very low self esteem. It is better now than before...and it is a work in progress, but so far it is only skin deep.

What I do know now that I did not at 25 is:

1. I have a tendency to be an over achiever and a people pleaser. I have tried to learn how to say no and to trust my gut feeling. And as so often in life I had to learn that the hard way. As a new teacher fresh out of university I took a job that I never should have taken had I listened to my gut feeling. I lasted 2 weeks and during those weeks I went from being a normal tired person to being depressed. I never wanted to kill myself but I did consider walking out in the street to get injured so I had a physical excuse to leave my job...
That experience has made me more in tune with myself and it also made me feel comfortable with talking about depression and therapy. I was fortunate to meet a GOOD doctor who saw the whole me and gave me anti-depressant medicine as well as the phone number to a therapist. During the past 12 years I have been in therapy 4 times and I ended the last session in december last year. For the whole of 2008 I went once a week to group therapy. I was soooo sceptical in the beginning and when they started to talk about using phsyco-drama in the sessions I thought: I am outta here!!! But I stayed. And it was good. It is very weird to realise that acting out stuff that has happend to you actually makes it a little bit easier to then leave it behind you. Group therapy taught me many things but what springs to mind now is: that I am a very open person with very little prestige, that I have a hard time accepting people who have NOTHING to say (I just don't understand how they work, they are like aliens to me) and that I in my subconscience always long to be somewhere else.

2. At 25, 30 or 35 I would have said that I could never ever forgive and forget an affair. In 2005 it happend and what did I learn? Well, for me it was a journey in different directions. The other woman was not so important to me as I thought she would be. I never really tried to find out who she was - the damage was done anyways and it really was not her fault. She was not the one who had made me any promises. In that sense I felt strong, focused and very much in control. When it came to my anger towards my ex I found out that I have a monster inside me. A few times during this period I got so angry with him and it felt like being possesed by some scary force. I could hear my own voice, but it did not sound like me...it was much darker and stronger and completely uncontrollable. I am glad I found that power in me and that I had the courage to let it out. I think that helped me to move forward.

3. When I was younger I had quite a few things that "I would never do". Most of them I have already done and in the beginning of last year I broke one of the most profound promises I had given myself. "Never get involved with a married man". I have still not completely accepted that it happened. But it did. And I guess my lesson here was that life is not black or white, it is not always they way you want it to be and that you will find yourself in all kinds of situations that you never would have imgagined. And that is a GOOD thing! Life is a mystery and that is exactly what makes it beautiful, cruel, fun, scary, unfair, exciting and worth living.

So what I try to tell myself is to: be open, be greatful and don't be afraid. We are all so much stronger than we think we are. And nothing lasts forever, not the good nor the bad.

Chip on my shoulder

There is probably something really wrong with me. I sweat the small stuff too much and let stupid things bother me. And why do certain people irritate me so much? Like people who are too religious, too quiet or too damn positive! I need to find the answer to this and I realise that the answer is within me, just have to dig deeper. (Maybe it's menopause roaring its ugly head already...God no!!!!...if I am going to be anything like my mom during that period I am heading for disaster! Better warn people around me and say bye bye to the boyfriend.)

Doubts

I never know exactly when it will happen...
but it happens every now and then.
It feels like free falling fram a tall building...
not knowing if someone or something will catch you.
My brain is on maximum overdrive...
and I cannot turn it off.
Every little thing I worry about...
is blown out of proportion.
In those moments I am ...
everything that is bad, wrong and or a failure.
Don't try to comfort me...
just let me cry myself to sleep.



At 40 I know that nothing lasts forever...

Happiness

Realised today how much of an endorphin junkie I am. Been feeling pretty blue lately which is kind of normal for me during winter, but it usually feels better in February when the light returns to this God forsaken country. This year it did not -it felt worse. So I had to analyse the situation. The answer for me is exercise. I have been doing some kind of physical exercise 3-4 times a week during the last two weeks - and it works! After this mornings 5k run I am feeling great. Good music while running (which is crucial for me). Not too cold outside.Of course it helps that it is Friday, that I am having lunch with my best male friend Bennie and that I am going to Stockholm for a weekend of relaxation and more exercise. ;)
Life is good!

To know a person - part 2

When you decide to share your life with another person you embark on a journey...a journey that might not have a final destination and no specific route...and certainly no guide telling you what to do and not to. It is a question of trust, devotion, loyalty, love and guts. The choice of companion can be based on many things...or maybe it was never an active choice at all...just one thing leading to another...time invested...getting comfortable...the need to belong?

In my life it was a case of physical attraction but not passion, of being friends but not soulmates, of getting along but not getting inspired, of opposites attracts, of being in charge and of not wanting to admit that I wanted more. We met young, I was 21 and he was two years older. When I explain the diffrence between us I always refer to high school. Imagine the straight A-student from the right side of town meeting the notorious bad boy who flunked most things and played hooky most of the time. That was pretty much us. I liked his looks, his body and I also liked that behind the bad boy look was a very kind man. I think he liked my brain and my ability to take charge and I hope he thought I was pretty...not beautiful but pretty...I am that kind of girl. Looking back I can see that we fairly early on developed a sort of mother-child relationship. And if I had been honest to myself we would had said goodbye before we even decided to have children. But life is strange...sometimes things just happen if we don't make active choices. One day adds to another and pretty soon you have lived half of your life together with someone. Someone you think you know...
I thought I knew him but it the end it seems like I did not know him at all. We had our ups and downs over the years, nothing unusal about that. Then in 2004 I had an emergency back surgery and he was there for me. He did everything. I recovered very well and was happy. But our realtionship had suffered. I was unhappy because we never talked. He was unhappy because we never were intimate. I asked him every day at dinner how his day was. He never asked me. The only things he spoke to me about was people at his work and gambling. We argued more and more. In the autumn of 2004 I asked him several times if he thought it was a good idea to go to couples councelling. He always said no and his opinion was that we should work it through ourselves. Around Christmas he was cold as ice and treated me like I was infectious. If one has not been in that situation I don't think one can realise how that breaks you down, makes you nervous and deep inside you know...you know...
New Years Eve of 2004 - a night I will never forget. He worked night and came home at 9.30 pm. The kids and I had dressed up and I had prepared a late supé. I had tried to make myself look good even though we were not going anywhere. My daughter and I had fixed our hair and we all felt happy. He came in through the door and gave me a stare that is engraved in my mind. It was a look of disgust and it crushed me. I still cry when I think about that moment. On New Years Day we talked and decided to get help and a few weeks later on the evening before our first visit to the marriage counceler I asked him if he had had sex with someone else. It was more of a joke...as we at that particular moment talked to eachother in a good spirit. He said yes. Then nothing. No excuse. Nothing. And from that moment on I learned that I did not know him and not even myself.

To know a person - part 1

Do we ever really know another person? Apart from ourselves how can we know what's inside someone? Sometimes I wonder if I even know me...

Once upon a time I considered myself to be a good judge of character. I guess one could blame it on being young and more naive than I am now. Not sure if that explains it though. A few incidents have shook me and made me realise that us humans are a strange and mysterious breed.

In one of the first studentgroups I had as a techer I met a married couple from Iran. They were both such nice people. The woman was a bit shy and maybe not the best student. Her husband was a charismatic and super intelligent man. I liked them and was impressed by how eager they both were to make a new life for themselves here in Sweden.
Time passed and we had no contact (I very rarely have with former students) but then I ran into the woman in town some years later. She had a babycarriage and I was excited because I remembered that they so had wanted a child. So I approached her said hi and we hugged and then I congratulated her saying " you and your husband must be so happy". She gave me a sad smile and then told me the most awful story about what really had happened in her marriage behind close doors.
To make a very long story short I soon realised that this was something I had read about in the local newspaper. "University employee convicted of physically abusing a woman ". Turns out he had always abused her in all possible ways. And when she could not give him a child he imported a new wife from Iran, but before his new bride came here he executed his male right(NOT my words) to have sex whenever he wanted with his ex. Unfortunately she became pregnant and that was not part of the plan now with the new young wife coming. So he simply tried to force her to have an abortion and when that did not work he beat her, kicked her in the belly, slammed her into the wall etc - she almost lost both her life and the child.
I saw the world spinning around me, my face froze into some silly smile - and what was I to say? How awful...poor you...that is terrible...and I think that was when I first realised that one can never truly know a person.

The second lesson was 2005...when I asked my partner of 15 years if he had met someone else and he said yes...

Cars for kids?!?

At the breakfast table at 7.20 am: (kids whining about walking to school...the extremely exhausting distance of 1 km!)

-Awwwwww I wish there were cars for kids! (daughter 10)
- Hey, how could that work? They would not be able to reach up and see through the windshield. (son 7)
- Duh!!! They could just make the cars smaller of course!(daughter in her most loving voice)
-Yeah...that would be great...(son with dreamy eyes)

So according to my kids it is just a question of size...
And maybe it is, since most kids these days are way more technically advanced than adults. (I am thinking a VERY slow car that would NOT need gas.)
Btw...isn't this a fine example of how women are the creative visionaries of the world? ;)